I wrote this on Nov. 22nd, the day before Anna’s 3rd Birthday. I didn’t share it then, but I decided to share it now.
There is no right answer
only endless questions and choices
as I ponder how to celebrate your birthday.
Another birthday where you are not here,
and I am hating this tension
yearning for both celebration and grief
not wanting this to be a day of sadness,
yet celebration highlights the hole in our family where you should be.
so what would you want for this day?
how would you have us celebrate if you were here with us?
what kind of cake would you choose? which friends would you invite?
would you like noise and craziness, or simple and quiet?
would you be hoping for a princess doll or Lego blocks?
I cannot know. It breaks my heart.
Do you celebrate this day in heaven?
It is also the day you went there.
I am sure there is a lovely party in heaven.
Cake, balloons, all your favorite animals in attendance.
I’m sure you don’t want us to sit and cry, while you are having such a wonderful time.
Really I suppose my tears are more for me than for you. For what I am missing today.
I know you are not missing anything,
your life is more full and true than it ever could be here.
so what would you say to me today?
no clichés, please. I’ve heard those.
a whisper of “I am with you”
No, you aren’t! You aren’t here! I say.
“Yes I am. All around you. I am wrapped up in you. I came from you, and I am with you still.
Your life will never be the same, because I came, and was a part of it, for such a short time.
My life changed you, and in that way, I am still with you.
Celebrate today the good that I brought into your life, by being in it for a short time.”
Yes, you have brought me good.
A deeper love felt, stronger than I knew before.
New art inspirations, a fuller appreciation of life.
A truer understanding of heaven and my future there.
A reminder of you in so many aspects of nature.
A life more richly felt.
A heart that feels compassion towards those who are grieving.
And a journey of healing that has only just begun.
Today, I remember the gift you are to us,
even though you are no longer with us.
Today, I remember I have a daughter who dines with the royalty of heaven.