“As long as we live in fellowship with our good and beautiful God in his mighty kingdom, we have nothing to fear, not even fear itself. For nothing in life or in death can separate us from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39).” – The Good and Beautiful Life, James Bryan Smith
While I was pregnant with Anna I prayed so fervently for her to be healed. A large part of me believed that if I prayed hard enough, or just the right way, or with the right people or right amount of spiritual fervor, she would be healed. I would heal her by doing it, by getting the right connection with God. I said that God was the one who would heal her, but really I was the one trying to do it. I was afraid. I didn’t trust God, I wanted to prove myself to God. I didn’t know my place, my position, in Him. I didn’t know what was already true. I am a part of His kingdom. And I am secure. Anna was secure, a part of His kingdom. She was then, she is now. Her being healed on earth wasn’t the only way to “win”. She was healed in heaven and never experienced a life of suffering.
There are so many things I do now know or understand about her short life and death. But I believe this to be true, God: You were glorified through Anna’s birth and death. You were glorified through my pregnancy with her. Through me choosing to carry her to term, choosing to value her life. Choosing to hope and believe for a miracle. Even though it didn’t happen. Somehow… more than if she had been healed. You were glorified. I don’t understand… but I feel like it is true. And I rest, now, knowing that nothing can separate me or her from You and the role You have for us to play as a part of your kingdom.